"But those aren't the flavors. That'd make too much sense. Apple and pear, according to Dr. Phil, are body types the bars are made for. Hey, I've got some advice. If you look like an apple or a pear, eat an apple or a pear! [On Dr. Phil's energy bars]"
"I'm not big on Halloween. I never have been. As a kid my parents would send me out to collect for UNICEF, which just screws up the whole holiday. You're wearing a costume and people are giving you pennies and you're going, "Well, give me some candy, you fuck." And the grown-ups tell you, "Absolutely not. You've got your pennies. Now go build a village, you little shit." It still brings a tear to my eye."
Computer
The amazing thing about computers is that they are magical, especially when you don't know shit about how they work. They're really wonderful pieces of equipment, and when they don't work, you realize just how much you need them and just how unnecessary they truly are. I would have actually written my book with a pencil if I didn't have something called a "deadline." Maybe that's why the computer broke down, just to say to me, "Why don't you take that pencil and shove it up your ass. Yeah, I may be unnessacary, but you desperately need me."
Viral Infections
It seems the smallpox vaccine that we were given, the one we were told was going to last forever, actually had a shelf life. Yep, it wore off! Now, a vaccine that expires sounds like pretty big news, doesn't it?The kind you'd probably want to share immediately. Well, our government didn't tell us until there was a possibility of emergency conditions. What a crackerjack group of fuckers! How could they not call us?
"Hey, Lew, your smallpox vaccine has worn off. You want another?"
Um, let me think. Yeah, you're fucking right. I want another because, until now, my whole life has been a delusion. Everyday I would wake up and say, "It's gonna suck today, but at least I won't get smallpox."
The Governator
Arnold Schwarznegger is the governor of California and we are not even on LSD. I don't see why people bother taking drugs anymore. When reality has become a hallucination, what do you need to hallucinate for? I was walking through the Los Angeles airport just 3 months after seeing Arnold in Terminator 3, and he was being sworn in as the governor on all the television screens. I had a nervous breakdown. I fell to my knees and I pissed and shit my pants. I was weeping and screaming for help. "What is real?" I cried out. "Can anybody tell me what is real?"
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